Jo Reviews

Enter to win an advance screening pass to FUNNY PEOPLE. We are providing this opportunity to a select number of JoReviews fans.

 

Screening will be held on Tuesday, July 28, 7:30pm at AMC Town Center 20.

Synopsis:

Over the past few years, writer/director Judd Apatow (The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up) has shown that nothing—not even losing your virginity or the miracle of childbirth—is sacred.  About his third film behind the camera, he says, “I’m trying to make a very serious movie that is twice as funny as my other movies.  Wish me luck!”  Apatow directs Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Leslie Mann in Funny People, the story of a famous comedian who has a near-death experience.

Adam Sandler, Eric Bana, Jason Schwartzman, RZA and newcomers Aubrey Plaza and Aziz Ansari join a cast that reunites Judd Apatow with Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann and Jonah Hill in their third comedy together.

OPENS NATIONWIDE JULY 31!

We are asking all visitors who register to tell a Joke of the Day. Your joke will be posted on the site, please indicate if you wish to remain annonymous. On Friday, July 24, we will randomly select our winners. Winners will be notified via e-mail.  NO PURCHASE NECESSARY

Joke of the Day

Andrew: How do you get a kleenex to dance? … Put a little boogey in it.

Tom: The salesman saw three legged chickens running around this farm. He asked the farmer about the three legged chickens. The farmer responded, my wife, my son and I always fight over the chicken legs at supper. So we created the three legged chicken. Salesman inquired how good were the chicken legs? The farmer said, Don’t know, haven’t caught one yet.

Robert: An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist’ s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, ‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.

Suved: An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Vidhi: A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”

Jeremy: What is pee wee hermans favorite part of the camera? The flash.

Scot: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb? Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

Grace: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A widow

Chad: Bob: Smells like up dog in here!  Tim: Whats up dog?  Bob: Nothing whats up with you?  heh

 

Doug: Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was a salted.

Kari: There are only 2 kinds of lawyers. One who knows the law and other who knows the judge.

Greg: This is a true story. A married couple, with the last name Song were both professional muscians. For their first son, they gave the name Sharp Song. When the second son was born the husband agreed to whatever name the wife chose, so this child was named Flat Song. When the wife gave birth to the third son the husband said to his wife, “Okay, no more music sounding names. We don’t want the other kids making fun of their names. ” The wife agreed that the next child should have a more traditional name so they named this child Mai (my) Song.

 

Kari: A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”. He said, “Call for backup.”

Kenyon: Where did the pirate wear his earrings? In his “buccaneers!!”

Dawn: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? -”Where’s my tractor?”

Susie: A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Seth: knock knock whos there duane duane who duane the tub im drowning

Kari: What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a pool? Bob.

Rachel: This is an actual story from my daughter. She has always told my husband and me that she was never getting married and she was always gonna live with us. (She is six) This was fine with us cause we don’t look forward to her discovering boys Well she has since fallen in love with Zac Efron, Troy from high school musical and she told my husband that troy was her boyfriend. He says to her “I though you said you were never getting married.” she said “I did Daddy” and he then said “well i thought you said you were never gonna have a boyfriend” She looks at him with a smile spreading across her face and says “I never said THAT daddy.” His mouth just dropped and I started cracking up. Little girls and their daddy’s

Danielle: A 4-yr old told me this one…

Q. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A. Na-cho cheese!

Ryan: Did you hear about the man who’s left side fell off? He’s all right now!

Pete: redneck dictionary : HANDSOME -
Billy Bob was using a stick to pick up trash on the side
of the highway – the stick broke and now he using
his handsome to get the rest .

Howard: Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?” A soothing voice at the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.” After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. “Okay,” he says nervously to the operator. “What do I do next?”

Kris: Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says: “Man it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Look a talking muffin

Elissa: WHAT DID THE FISH SAY WHEN HE HIT THE WALL?………………………………….DAM

Kari: Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”. “No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday”. The third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer”.

Liz: A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, ” Do you wnat a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or amaybe a cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She in turn blushes, rockson her heels and puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice,

“I realluy don’t think my python gives a thit.”

Melissa: Question: Who granted the monster’s wish? Answer: The scary godmother.

Denise: Two women were arguing about which of their dogs was the smartest.

“My dog is so smart,” the first woman said, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to arrive, and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me in bed.”

The second woman replied, “I know. My dog told me.”

Anne: A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Dang it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Elissa: Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road? A: To help the patient find the other side.

Chelsea: what kind of witch do yousee at the beach a sandwitch

 

Luis: A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

Aaron: A pretzel walks into a bar. He was assalted.

Bryan: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh!

Pam: Why did the elephant sit on the marshmellow? So he wouldn’t fall into the hot chocolate.

Marie: Bob : I’ve been having problems with my computer today and I can’t figure out why!

Tom : Everyday is a Picnic with you, isn’t it?

Bob : What do you mean?

Tom : Problem In Chair, Not In Computer, Bob.

Dee: Q: Why can’t the Navy have popcorn? A: Because the Army has all the colonels.

Martha: What’s black & white and red all over? A newspaper {o.k., make it read, now that the joke is over}.

Matt: What’s the difference between a dog and a cat? A dog thinks highly of you, a cat thinks highly of you for having the smarts to have adopted it.

Cheree: I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘crazy’, then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was ‘crazy’ and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, ‘What in the name of Sam Hill are you doing?’ I told him I was a light bulb. He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’ I jumped down and walked out of the office…

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, ‘And where do you think you’re going?!’

To which she replied:

‘I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.’

Vicki: What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him?? I didn’t do it on porpoise.

Steve: I have a unique way of deciding who to vote for. If the car in front of me has an idiot driver and sports a political bumper sticker, I vote for the opposite person, knowing that if the idiot in front me me can’t even drive, there is no way they are capable in selecting the next Government official.

Emily: 2 elephants wanted to go to the beach- why couldn’t they go?>>> The only had one pair of trunks.

Chris: whats black and white and black and white and black and white- apenguin rolling down a hill

Crystle: why didnt the skeleton cross the road- he didnt have the guts

RJ: The Power of Alcohol A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant ‘Take another drink!’ The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, ‘Take another drink! Take another drink!!’ The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. by now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, * (Ya ready?) (Don’t hate me) *(Yer gonna hate me) *(Take a deep breath) ‘He should’ve quit while he was a head.

Frankie: This whole deal with Governor Sanford of South Carolina was a misunderstanding – He did not say that he would be hiking the Appalachian Trail. What he said was that he would be humping Argentinian tail.

Lawrence: doctor, i am loosing my memory.” the man said. what do you suggest i do? He answered, pay in advance!”

Sharon: what do you call a first time offender in saudia arabia? Lefty!!!!!

Tom: whats the difference of a recession and a depression? In a recession your neighbor is out of work. In a depression you are out of work.

Edwina: A guy went back to the sex shop to return his blow up doll.
“Excuse me, he said, “but i blew this doll up last night and right away she went down on me. I want my $50.00 back.” Owner replied, “hell, if i had known that she could do that, I would of charged you $75.00!!!!!

Cheryl: one of the little known effects of viagra is a headache….often when a husband takes the pill his wife gets a headache!!!!!

Richard: The sign on the whore house says……..beat it were closed!!!

Angie: Why did little Miss Tomato turn red? She saw Mr. Green Pea.

William: why do blondes hate eating m@m’s? there to hard to peel!!!!

Josie: A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

Emma: What is the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!

Max: The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

Lynn: When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.

Rudy: A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes. He crawls back up and asks, “What was that for?” She says, “For having a little pecker.”
He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back and says,
“What was that for?” He says, “For knowing there was more than one size.”

Robert: Dave was attending his biker club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn’t let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.

When Dave’s friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

“How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?”

“I didn’t have to” was Dave’s reply.
“When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’!”

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.”

So here I am!

Darlyn: Paul and Mary get married

but couldn’t afford a honeymoon – so they go back to Paul’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny – Paul’s little brother – gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school – he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies – No.

Johnny asks – Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies – I don’t want to hear what you think !
Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom – Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies – No.

Johnny says – Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies – Never mind what you think !
Eat your lunch and go back to school …

After school – Johnny comes home and asks again – Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says – No.

He asks – Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies – Ok – now tell me what you think

He says – Last night Paul came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.

Eddie: Why did the fish go to jail?….. He got caught with some sea-weed.

Judy: Why did a man freeze his cash? He wanted cold, hard cash

Donna: Two cannibals were eating a clown when one looks at the other and asks “does this taste kinda funny to you?”

Theresa: Why is an elephant big and gray? Because if he was small, white and round he would be a ping pong ball

Chrystal: What do you call two guys hanging from a window ledge? Curt N Rod.

Heather: What do you do when your nose goes on strike? PICK IT!

Brandon: What kind of bees give milk? Boobies

Brian: So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…… About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’ So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’ My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Ryan: Visiting the modernartmuseum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

Tim: Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows

Dee: One bum says to the other bum, “I can’t figure out where all these dang flies are coming from.” The other bum replies, “You think it has anything to do with those maggot infested clothes you’re wearing?”

Boyd: Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A. Frosted Flakes

Cecil: A frisky husband grinned at his wife and said, “Remember when you promised that I could look forward to getting something real special?” The wife replied, “Not tonight, Honey, maybe tomorrow.” The next night the still frisky husband approached his wife again with the same reminder to which she replied, “Not tonight, Honey, maybe tomorrow” The next night the now frustrated husband approached his wife again and when denied again he said, “You lied to me “because you keep promising tomorrow, tomorrow.” To which the wife replied, “I promised that you could look forward to something and you did. Now is it my fault that tomorrow NEVER comes?”

Carrie: There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top. The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she gets hurt. They yell to the brunette to jump but she says,”No I saw what you did to the redhead”! They shout we don’t like redheads! So the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she gets hurt too. Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says,”no I saw what you did to them”! They shout we don’t like them! The blonde then says, “I don’t trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!”

Kristan: Top things you learn at the movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Jon: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?……. DAM!

JoReviews Fan: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead!

Melodie: you know how to make a 80 year old woman say the “F” word. Have the little old lady next to her yell BINGO!!!

Chris: After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarl, “”Here they are!”
“Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked. “Grounds for divorce.”

John: What do you call 2 lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean? …….. A good Start!

Jon: “What do you call a deer that’s blind in both eyes?” “I have no idear”. “What do you call a deer with no legs that’s blind in both eyes?” “I STILL have no idear.”

Patrick: So this neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint of lager and begins to open his wallet when the barman says, “For you, no charge!”.

Todd: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Donsha: yo mama so short she cuff her panties.

Ashleigh: A nervous teenage guy goes into a drug store to buy some condoms. He looks around for them and finally realizes that they are behind the counter and has to ask an associate for assistance. He goes up and asks, “Can I get a box of condoms?” The associate replies, “Sure, which box?” The guy says, “What do you have?” The associate says “There’s 2, 6, or 12 pack boxes available.” So the guys says, “Why are there 2, 6, and 12 pack boxes and which do I need?” The associate replies, “Well, the 2 pack is for high school students, 1 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The 6 pack is for college students, 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for during the week. The 12 pack is for married couples, one for January, one for February, one for March, etc.,…..one for each month of the year!”

Emily: A six year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the six year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The four year old nods his head in approval. The six year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna’ say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The four year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast,  young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

Christina: A respectable lady went into the pharmacy walked upto the pharmacist, l looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’ The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’ The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’ The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

JoReviews Fan:A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”

Chris: Why did the chicken cross the road?? To prove to the opposum it could be done (oh yes I did)

Maxine: A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

Andrea: So this penguin is driving down the street and suddenly gets a flat tire. He happens to be right next to a mechanic shop/diner. While the mechanic is fixing his tire he goes to the diner to get something to eat, well he sees that they have ice cream cones. He loves ice creams so he orders a cone, but having flippers it’s really hard to eat and he gets it all over himself. Well he heads back over to the mechanic, as he gets there the mechanic says “it looks like you blew a seal” the penguin says “oh no it’s just ice cream.”

Stephanie: A man gets on an airplane with six kids. A woman says what lovely children you have, are they all yours. He states “no” … I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!!!!

Amber: A lady gets pulled over, the policeman asks to see her drivers license. He said, “It says here you wear glasses.” She said, “I have contacts.” Policeman says, “I don’t care who you know!”

Ryan: Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry!!

Andrew: Q: Why should you not take a Pokemon into the bathroom with you? A: Because it might Pikachu.

Derek: Why did tiger look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!!!

Amber: What is the definition of a skeleton? A stripper that went too far.

Penny: An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

Lisa: My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

Kate: There is a horrible car accident between a car driven by a rabbi and a car driven by a priest. The rabbi and the priest climb out of the wreckage of their respective vehicles and begin to praise god that they have been saved. The laugh and hug each other and comment on their good fortune. The rabbi has an idea and says “My friend, this is amazing. God has saved us so that our two religions may become allies. Let us celebrate!” he goes to the car and grabs a bottle of manischewitz and says “Look! God meant for us to cement our knew friendship with a toast.” He uncorks the bottle and hands it to the shaken but exuberant priest who takes a swig and hands it back to the rabbi. The rabbi puts the cork back in the bottle and sets it down. The priest looks confused and says “aren’t you going to toast to our good fortune?” and the rabbi says “I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Randale: How do you fix a broken tomato? Tomato Paste

Renee: If frosty the snowman and a vampire had a kid what would its name be? Frostbite

JoReviews Fan: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese!

Larry: During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

Laurie: At a Catholic school, there was a “meet the teacher” open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said, “Take only one. God is watching.” So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: “Take all you want”. God is watching the apples.”

JoReviews Fan: A couple of Mississippi hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

Rebecca: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? . . . . . . A stick!

Raysa: This guy goes into a doctor’s office. The doctor says, “Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?” The guy shrugs and says, “Well I guess I’ll have the bad news first.” “Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live,” the doctor replies. The man is distraught, “24 hours to live? That’s horrible! What could be worse than that? What’s the VERY bad news?” The doctor folds his hands and sighs, “The very bad news is…I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Rachel: Sarah, Cara, and Maureen were sitting on a park bench. A guy in a raincoat came up and flashed them. Maureen saw it and immediately had a stroke. Cara saw it and immediately had a stroke. Sarah’s arms weren’t long enough.

Lindsay:Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly. “Why are you crying?” Bob asked. “I came here for a blood test,” sobbed Bill. “So? Are you afraid?” “No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely. Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, “Why are you crying now?” To which Bob replied, “I came for a urine test!”

Shelley: “Why do all the crows keep calling my name?” thought Caw.

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